Late night chats

I don’t know if you’ve ever loved someone you know loves you, but doesn’t want to be with you. Not like “I just don’t want you” but situationally shouldn’t be with you. Even though you would move heaven and earth for them. You are leaving and I get it, how can two people be together like that. I don’t think I want the label of boyfriend/girlfriend. I just want you to be mine, I want to love you fiercely, I want to love you till I’m old, and I don’t want to be standing there on my wedding day wishing it was you standing across from me. When I am 80 years old I don’t want to be haunted by the thought that the rocking chair beside me should be occupied by you. I’m scared. I’m scared the love you showed me has set a bar too high for anyone to follow. I’m scared my love for you, this crippling, heart wrenching love will never cease and will never let me walk a step forward. And at the same time I don’t want that step. I don’t want to feel the empty hole that will occupy me when that love is gone. 

Open doors and falling stars

Tonight I stood there as I felt the stars fall. From eyelash to cheekbone they made their escape. Each one whispering the love and loss my soul has tried to patch up for so long. This dam is breaking. My mouth was open in awe watching, not knowing that all of its secrets were mimicking the path the stars carves from my skin. I want YOU, I miss YOU, I love YOU. Every door in my chest has been pried open for the world to grab first row seats in curiosity. Eating popcorn not knowing the disastrous mess in its wake. I am awake to the misery and loneliness I swore I would never allow into my body, now aware of the empty cavity you left behind when you took my heart away from me. Something I might have even given to you, but did I ever get it back, I tried so hard. I tried to play in creeks cold enough to numb every bone, to explore until my muscles were too sore to think of walking back to you, of putting the knife down so my skin stopped leaving racetracks for my anger to race through. Tonight i looked into your eyes desperately searching for the joy and warmth i though i could jump into. Don’t worry, now i see the wall you placed with all the cracks and bruises trying to protect you from this hurricane that almost swallowed you whole. I see the worn circles in the carpets from where your feet told you to keep moving even though each step was like fire. I can finally recognize the same stars that have left ravines down the beauty of your galaxies where your own falling stars have traveled. I’m sorry. My words have come too late, and all i wish for are time bombs to throw me back into you. To distance me from this crushing reality that your feet have continued moving. They move with the strength that i never knew to posses, but now have the strength to walk away. Come back to me.